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    Comic Cuts

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Just a light-hearted attempt at humour.

 

You can submit your own joke or story - just fill in the form at the top right of the page and click-on "Submit".

 

Every submission will be considered and edited before posting to the web-site.  Risqué will be fine - filthy not!

 

Enjoy!

The late and great Scottish comedian, Chic Murray, rang up his local bowling club asking, "Is that the local bowling club?"  The person who answered the phone replied, "It depends where you're calling from!"

 

 

 

 

Chic was at the Munich Olympic Games.  Strolling through the Olympic village, he spotted an athletic-looking fellow carrying a long tubular equipment-container on his shoulder.  Chic greets the fellow.  “You must be a pole-vaulter!”  He remarked.  The fellow replies, “No!  I am Austrian - but how did you know that my name is Walter?”

A well-known and respected skip was on the mat at the Memorial Park green, preparing to deliver his first wood when his third, up at the head, slumps to the ground, having suffered a heart attack.  The rest of the rink calls out for the skip to stop.  The skip grounds his wood on the mat and takes a few steps towards the head, pausing to take stock of the situation ... “It’s OK!”  He comments, “I can draw around him”.

 

Hearing this gave the third the will to recover and, subsequently, to survive his heart attack.

Back to the Clubhouse

A very talented lady bowler, who won most of competitions that she entered, was often seen to be referring to a little black notebook before delivering her woods.  The good woman unfortunately fell ill and sadly died.  Her husband decided to auction off all her bowling gear - woods, clothing, shoes etc. - and the little black notebook – donating the proceeds to charity.  Possession for the little black notebook was fiercely contested, but the eventual winner was a woman who was often beaten into second place by her late rival.  She went home to study, in private, the little black notebook that, obviously, contained such pearls of wisdom that helped her rival to triumph so often.  She settled down into her favourite armchair with a glass of red wine and the little black notebook.  She took a sip of wine and opened the book … blank-page followed blank-page until finally … written in the largest possible letters, on a page towards the end of the book, was this piece of advice:

 

THE BULLET GOES ON THE INSIDE

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.

‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asks.

‘Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?’

‘Sure!’

‘Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?’ she asks.

‘No, I can remember it.’

‘Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so’s not to forget it?’

He says, ‘I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.’

‘I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down?’ she asks.

Irritated, he says, ‘I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!’

Then he toddles off into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs on a tray. She stares at the plate for a moment, looks up at her husband and looks back at the plate.

 

‘Where’s my toast?’ she asks.

Penny Brickle submitted the following puns.  Some may make you wince - don't blame me!

Venison for dinner again?  Oh deer!

 

How does Moses make tea?  Hebrews it.

 

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

 

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

 

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a typo.

 

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

 

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

 

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

 

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

 

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

 

When chemists die, they barium.

 

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

 

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

 

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

 

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

 

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

 

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

 

Broken pencils are pointless.

 

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

 

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

 

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded the dough.

 

Velcro - what a rip off!

 

Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.

Back to the Clubhouse

An elderly fellow bowler was having a roll-up with his close friend and said, "I just bought a new hearing aid.  It cost me £4,000, but it's state of the art. It's absolute perfection!"

 

"Really?" answered his friend.  "That’s a lot of money, what kind is it?"

 

"Twelve thirty."  Replied the old chap.

 

As they were walking off the green having finished their practice session, the friend says,  "Windy, isn't it?"

 

The old fellow responded, "No it's not - it's Thursday!"

 

His friend shrugged and says, "So am I.  Let's have a pint."

 

***********

 

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.

 

Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

 

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is the Hoover switched on or off?"

 

***********

 

Two young boys are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.

 

The first boy leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

 

The second boy says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

 

The first boy says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was 4. They put you to sleep and then you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."

 

The second boy then asks, "What are you here for?"

 

The first boy responds, "circumcision."

 

The second boy says, "Whoa, good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year!"

 

***********

 

This woman's husband dies and she has only £20,000 to her name. After everything is done at the undertakers and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that all her money has gone.

 

The friend says, "How can that be? You told me you still had £20,000 left just a few days before your husband died.

 

How could you be broke?"

 

The widow says, "Well, the undertakers bill came to £5,000. And of course, I had to honour the donation to the church, made by husband before he died.  That was another £5,000. The rest went on the memorial stone."

 

The friend says, "£10,000 for the memorial stone? My goodness, how big was it?"

 

Extending her left hand, the widow says, "Three carats."

 

***********

 

A man phones his attorney and queries, "How much would it cost me to have you answer three questions?"

 

"That would be £300," the lawyer replies.

 

The man says, "That's an awful lot of money for three questions, isn't it?"

 

"I guess so," says the attorney. "What's your third question?"

 

***********

 

A child asked his Mother, "How were people born?"

 

His mother responded, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on”.

 

The child then went to his father, asked him the same question and his father replied, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."

 

The child ran back to his mother and said, "You lied to me!  Dad said we evolved from monkeys”.

 

His mother replied, "No, your father was only talking about his side of the family”.

 

***********

 

A husband and wife, who had been married for 35 years, were jointly celebrating their 60th birthdays.  During the celebration, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for 35 years, she would give them one wish each.

 

The wife wanted to travel around the world.  So, the fairy waved her wand and the wife had the tickets in her hand for a round-the-world cruise.

 

Next, it was the husband's turn.  He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to be married to a woman who is 30 years younger than me”.

 

The fairy picked up her wand, waved it and he instantly changed to a 90-year-old man.

 

***********

 

A wife is scrambling eggs when her husband bursts into the kitchen.

 

"Careful," he cries. "Be Careful! You're cooking too many at once. Too many! Scramble them! Now! We need more butter.  They're going to stick! Careful! Now scramble them again! Hurry up!  Are you crazy?  Don't forget to salt them.  You always forget to salt them.  Use the salt.  Use the salt!  The salt!"

 

The wife turns and asks, "What is wrong with you?"

 

Her husband calmly replies, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

 

***********

 

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the most stupid kid in the world.  Watch while I prove it to you”.

 

The barber puts a £5 note in one hand and two 50p coins in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”

 

The boy takes the 50p coins and leaves.  “What did I tell you?” said the barber.  “That kid never learns!”

 

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of a shop with an ice cream cone.  “Hey, son!  May I ask you a question?  Why did you take the 50p coins instead of the £5 note?”

 

The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the £5 note, the game is over!”

 

***********

 

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my 20-year high school reunion and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

 

My wife asks, "Do you know her?"

 

"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend.  I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

 

"My Gosh!" says my wife, "Who would think a person would go on celebrating that long?"

 

***********

 

It was Christmas Eve and Bill had yet to buy a Christmas gift for his wife. He walked into a nice department store, approached a counter, and asked for ideas.

 

"How about some perfume?" the saleslady asked. She showed him a bottle costing £150.

 

"That's too expensive," muttered Bill.

 

The young lady returned with a smaller bottle for £80.

 

"Still too much," he replied.

 

Growing rather annoyed at Bill's lack of generosity, the saleslady brought out a small £25 bottle and handed it to him.

 

Bill became agitated and said, "What I mean is, I'd like to see something really cheap."

 

So, the saleslady took out her mobile phone, took his photograph and showed him the screen.

 

***********

 

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist in town. I noticed her professional diploma hanging on the wall, which bore her full name. Suddenly I remembered a petite, very pretty, dark-haired girl with the same name had been in my secondary school class some 30-odd years ago.

 

Could she be the same girl that I had a secret crush on way back then?

 

Upon seeing her, I quickly discarded any such thought. This dumpy, grey-haired woman with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. After she examined my teeth, I couldn’t resist, so I asked her if she had attended Morgan High School.

 

"Yes, yes, I did," she gleamed with pride.

 

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

 

She answered, "In 1975. Why do you ask?"

 

"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.

 

She looked at me closely.  Then that plain, old, wrinkled, dumpy, grey-haired, rude, decrepit idiot asked, "Oh, what did you teach?"

 

***********

 

A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married.

 

He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."

 

The mother agrees and the next day he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.

 

He then says, "Ok, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry."

 

She immediately replies, "the one in the middle."

 

He was surprised that his mother was so easily able to guess the correct woman, "How do you know?"

 

The mother replies, "I don't like her!"

 

***********

 

I don't know why I didn't figure this out sooner. I use shampoo in the shower and when I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body.

 

Well, printed very clearly on the shampoo label is the warning, “For Extra Volume and Body.” No wonder I have been gaining weight!

 

So, I got rid of that shampoo and decided to shower with a well-known dish-washer liquid. That label reads, “Dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove.”

 

***********

 

A little girl says, "Grandpa, can I sit on your lap?

 

"Of course, you can," her grandfather replied.

 

As she is sitting on grandpa's lap she says, "Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog?"

 

"A sound like a frog? Well, sure Grandpa can make a sound like a frog."

 

The girl says, "OK, please make a sound like a frog?"

 

Perplexed, her granddad says, "Sweetheart, why do you want me to make a sound like a frog?"

 

And the little girl says, "Because Grandma said that when you croak, we're all going to go to Disneyland".

 

***********

 

Andrew was driving down the motorway when his mobile phone rang.

 

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Andrew, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the M4.  Please be careful!"

 

"It's not just one car," said Andrew.  "There’s dozens of 'em!"

 

***********

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