Blank Page

Double click to insert body text here...

 

    Comic Cuts

* Required

Just a light-hearted attempt at humour.

 

You can submit your own joke or story - just fill in the form at the top right of the page and click-on "Submit".

 

Every submission will be considered and edited before posting to the web-site.  Risqué will be fine - filthy not!

 

Enjoy!

The late and great Scottish comedian, Chic Murray, rang up his local bowling club asking, "Is that the local bowling club?"  The person who answered the phone replied, "It depends where you're calling from!"

 

 

 

 

Chic was at the Munich Olympic Games.  Strolling through the Olympic village, he spotted an athletic-looking fellow carrying a long tubular equipment-container on his shoulder.  Chic greets the fellow.  “You must be a pole-vaulter!”  He remarked.  The fellow replies, “No!  I am Austrian - but how did you know that my name is Walter?”

A well-known and respected skip was on the mat at the Memorial Park green, preparing to deliver his first wood when his third, up at the head, slumps to ground having suffered a heart attack.  The rest of the rink calls out for the skip to stop.  The skip grounds his wood on the mat and takes a few steps towards the head, pausing to take stock of the situation ... “It’s OK!”  He comments, “I can draw around him”.

 

Hearing this gave the third the will to recover and, subsequently, to survive his heart attack.

Back to the Clubhouse

A very talented lady bowler, who won most of competitions that she entered, was often seen to be referring to a little black notebook before delivering her woods.  The good woman unfortunately fell ill and sadly died.  Her husband decided to auction off all her bowling gear - woods, clothing, shoes etc. - and the little black notebook – donating the proceeds to charity.  Possession for the little black notebook was fiercely contested, but the eventual winner was a woman who was often beaten into second place by her late rival.  She went home to study, in private, the little black notebook that, obviously, contained such pearls of wisdom that helped her rival to triumph so often.  She settled down into her favourite armchair with a glass of red wine and the little black notebook.  She took a sip of wine and opened the book … blank-page followed blank-page until finally … written in the largest possible letters, on a page towards the end of the book, was this piece of advice:

 

THE BULLET GOES ON THE INSIDE

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.

‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asks.

‘Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?’

‘Sure!’

‘Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?’ she asks.

‘No, I can remember it.’

‘Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so’s not to forget it?’

He says, ‘I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.’

‘I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down?’ she asks.

Irritated, he says, ‘I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!’

Then he toddles off into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs on a tray. She stares at the plate for a moment, looks up at her husband and looks back at the plate.

 

‘Where’s my toast?’ she asks.

Penny Brickle submitted the following puns.  Some may make you wince - don't blame me!

Venison for dinner again?  Oh deer!

 

How does Moses make tea?  Hebrews it.

 

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

 

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

 

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a typo.

 

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

 

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

 

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

 

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

 

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

 

When chemists die, they barium.

 

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

 

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

 

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

 

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

 

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

 

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

 

Broken pencils are pointless.

 

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

 

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

 

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded the dough.

 

Velcro - what a rip off!

 

Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.